and a photo of Phil Allison preparing himself for
Audio Body Oil.

http://www.zooass.com/postcards/cards/butthead.html


(top posted especially for Phil )




On 14 Feb 2004 02:47:07 GMT, "Keith \"Dingo Breath\" Garratt"
wrote:

ASBEM* Electronics Catalog (REPOST!)

Do the laws of physics restrict your appreciation of fine electronic
products? Does the scientific method and electrical engineering get in
the way of your wallet and our company? Do you insist that
near-extinct tube technology adds a special- immeasurable by science-
quality to the music? Well, you sir are the discriminating consumer we
target with our products.

Idiosonic Convergency 1000 Tube amplfier- Idiocy 1000

A tube design reminicent of Soviet era appliances designed by Romulans,
the Idiocy 1000 is stocked with stupidly expensive parts that, after you
pay for it, will have you insisting that it brings out those mystical
sweet highs and hidden ambiance of those hundreds of LPs you stocked up
on thinking CDs were a passing fad. Dispense with real audio testing
and use words like "pace" and "slam" to descibe its effect. (Don't
worry, no one else knows what pace and slam are either). Price: $7900.00

Luddite 2000 Coal-Burning amplifier.

Our top notch audio engineering team- all alumnis of the prestigious
Close Cover Before Striking School of Engineering- are proud to annouce
the introduction of the Luddite 2000. Recognizing the amount of money to
be made marketing obsolete inefficient technology such as tubes to
overly obsessive males with to much money and time on their hands, they
designed this state-of-the-art coal burning steam powered amplifier with
even more hideously expensive parts. Destined to become the standard of
the industry, you just KNOW TAS and Stereophile will love this. Price:
If you have to ask....

De-evolution 3000 Wood-Burning amplifier

Not to be outdone our crack staff have plans to begin design of a
wood-burning amplifier to the product line sometime next year.

Birchbark Silver 10

Destined to bring out the true analog sound that you know those LPs have
hidden inside. Amaze your friends with this cartridge and tonearm. The
simple yet eleganty designed cartridge is made from the finest tin and
doubles as the sewing needle it was originally produced as. The tonearm
is a %100 natural birch limb. The leaves are kept intact to the branch
and are used to disperse "harshness" and give that tonality you so
desire. Each branch guaranteed bug free. Price: $3000.00

Xr-6789 Speaker Cable

This amazing product transmits the signal from your amplifier to the
speakers on your system. While thousands of hours of ABX testing have
shown no real difference in the effects of $.99 to $999.00 per meter
cables, we here at ASBEM Electronics have determined that
discriminating audiophiles want to spend their money on speaker cable
anyway. We've come up with our own "magic" cable you can add to your
priceless system. OK, it's just like zip cord, but we've colored the
cable with impressive hues and our great logo- a golden open wallet with
a vacuum hose sucking its contents out. We put some gold connectors on
them and gave it a fancy name so that you can insist it eleminates
"color". Price: $799 per meter.

Audio Mist

Unfortunately audio engineers have focused on source, power and
speakers. Most have failed to note the lack of attention given to the
final link, the air between the speaker and your ear. Our Audio Mist
sprays a fine mist of our proprietary AM 4000 audio liquid. Works well
with Audio Body Oil sold below. Please, no smoking around audio mist.
(Headaches may occur). Price:
$500.00

Audio Body Oil

Ever wonder what happens to those sound waves that don't make it to your
ears? Well we've partially solved the problem with Audio Body Oil.
Splash this special lotion all over you body an it helps to deflect the
sounds hitting those places other than you ears towards your ears.
(WARNING: You must be completely nude to experience the full effects).
Price: $200.00

(*A Sucker Born Every Minute Electronics)