By Andrew H. Malcolm, Andrew Malcolm -- Is that any relation to
"Mary Hartman, Mary Hatman"?

Cute piece on the bin laden videotape. Nice to know someone hasn't
lost their sense of humour. One does wonder why the FCC allowed it to
run, given the proximity of the tape's release to the U.S. election
and it's obvious potential to sway voters who are actually afraid of
Mr. bin laden.




"Michael McKelvy" wrote in message link.net...
Osama's Really Bad Day
By Andrew H. Malcolm, Andrew Malcolm


Now that the U.S. election is almost over, we can reveal the shocking
contents of that Osama bin Laden tape that was so globally important 10 days
ago. You remember, the one with the world's most-wanted man in a new hat and
appearing to flip-flop between hating John F. Kerry and George W. Bush.

Because it was sweeps week in Pushtunistan, they needed a big name to lead
into the new reality series, "Who Wants to Be a Terrorist?" So five minutes
of the Wanted One's rambling remarks were broadcast and gained wide
attention, though not enough viewers to beat donkey basketball. The tape may
have been aimed at U.S. voters, as some suspect, but because it contained
neither cartoon characters nor partially clad women, Americans paid little
attention.

The Osama tape was actually 18 minutes long. What was Al Jazeera hiding on
the other 13 minutes? After detailed analysis, it can be revealed here
exclusively that the rest of Osama's tape contained a disjointed, off-color
holy harangue against the terrorist leader's cable company.

It seems that Osama's satellite TV dishes kept vaporizing in rocket
explosions, so he switched to one of those three-months-free cable TV offers
with movie and sports packages. The uber-terrorist has waited weeks for the
installer's arrival. Banging the cable TV brochure with his shoe hasn't
worked, and shooting in the air draws only helicopters.

Osama's remarks likened the cable guy to parts of a camel (not the humps)
and promised generations of jihad against the tardy repairman's unborn
descendants. Although Western cable subscribers and voters might sympathize
with the waiting, Al Jazeera - already in trouble for the quantity of
explosions broadcast during children's hour - clearly feared new FCC
complaints.

Interestingly, Osama also makes numerous demands of the National Football
League. He wants game clocks to run up in time like soccer matches, feels
referees should make all calls in Arabic and would replace the coin flip
with an actual duel.

Analysts were puzzled by one ancient parable Osama recounted about a wife
who put too much starch and too little fabric softener in her chaffed
spouse's clothes. Then they realized the tape was inadvertently left running
and this actually explained why Osama wore borrowed robes in this
appearance.

When parts of Osama's tape slipped into Spanish with Gloria Estefan
background music, rumors spread that the Arab was lip-syncing old Fidel
Castro imperialism denunciations. Analysts reason that Osama is frustrated
by lack of audience participation in the mountains, where even small groups
tend to scatter at the first sniper shot. Osama has noticed on reruns that
Castro gets good crowds in any Havana square and can talk on for three
hours, or until he falls down.

By contrast, Osama, who's even grown a Castro-style beard and is being
measured for new custom combat fatigues, is lucky to win five minutes on-air
and never gets a live audience. Judging by the tape's focus, even Osama's
cameraman falls asleep. Speech microphones also have proved to be a serious
problem in Tora Bora. It seems the extension cords run some 60 miles back to
Pakistan, making connections precarious during landslides and assaults.

But that's not all. Osama aides reveal he has a comb-over problem and relies
on heavy makeup to look that attractive. Analysts were also intrigued by
tape outtakes that caught an infuriated Mrs. Bin Laden berating a cowering
terrorist leader about troops tracking mud into the family cave. They're
saving that for a Bin Laden bloopers special.